Necessary Response

12/31/11

Now that Santa has high tailed it back to the north pole, Jesus is a year older, the Hanukah candles are no more than nubs, and the yule tree is officially fire wood, it is time for a response…a necessary response…it is time to talk about you!

You heard me…I want to talk all about you…and not even behind your back cuz I’ve been staring at your behind for far too long…That’s right ladies I’m talking about your butt. 

I could talk about the amount of butt cheek that I have been subjugated to recently.  But that topic is played out…I’m just sayin’ that the creators of The People of Such-and-such.com kinda have the corner on that topic and besides, I am a little tired of saying to myself, “Is it me or does that lady in line and the ho that works the corner on Main Street have the same outfit on?”  Call me a prude on this matter if you want to but booty shorts and ultra-micro minis don’t offer much coverage so I will never have to worry about someone offering me a courtesy towel before sitting on their beige couch.

I could also talk about butt cleavage…however cleavage can be defined as a critical division of opinions, beliefs, and interests…so a conspiracy theorist could argue that butt cleavage is really the butt’s upheaval in opposition to pants.  Therefore, I conclude that if your butt is revolting in your pants there is nothing I can say to help you.

No…no…instead I will talk about your underwear because most people are one wedgie away from disaster.

One’s underwear is the foundation of one’s attire and if your spare tire is on display, you most likely have on the wrong kind of under garments.   Your clothing is supposed to look smooth over your frame and it does not matter how the clothing is constructed or how your frame is shaped for that matter.  And let’s not forget those of us who claim to be a particular size and are really…well let’s just say…”Yeah right!” If you had on the right kind of underwear, you may just actually kinda-sorta fool the general public.  What is the right kind of underwear you ask? Well move over Vicky cuz I have a thing or two to say about your unmentionables.

There are five categories of underwear.  Yep…only five and all underwear falls into one of those areas.  The zones are Bras, Panties, Shapers, and Slips…oh my!!!

But fear not, we will not talk about slips today…we will save that one for a dark cold rainy night…now on to the good stuff!

In the early seventeenth century women often would wear clothing that exposed the naked breast under a sheer top and Venetian women created a fashion were they showed painted nipples peaking over a boned bodice.  Although some women delight in the continued exposure of their unsupported chest most women prefer to wear a Bra.

A bra should push the girls up and together…all at once.  The breast should be contained within the confines of the cup.  Because your bra is not Alcatraz, there should be no rogue breast trying to escape out the top, sides or bottom.  If your boobs are slipping out of the bottom of the cup, you need a smaller band.  You should only have two breasts and not four.  So if your breasts are jail breaking out of the sides or top, you need to get out of denial and move up to a bigger cup.  Your bra should also be smoother over your chest, and if there are wrinkles in cup, time to down size.  Lastly, if you feel like you need to use crowbar to get your bra dislodged out of your side, you need a bigger band.  Now that we have scrutinized the boobage it is time to dish about the buns.

You always hear how terrible panty lines are.  I actually don’t think panty lines are so bad unless they are accompanied by a wedgie.  Time and time again, I see people with underwear jammed up their butts and I say to myself, “No way in Hell that’s comfortable.”  That notion brings up to the Thong (side note: when I was a kid, and I am sure I am dating myself, we called flip-flops thongs and today we have the thong underwear.   I believe, and it is my opinion only, that the name Thong [underwear] is derivative from the thong shoes because the shoe was characterized by a thin strap being wedged between you two toes…well, trade toes for butt cheeks…need I say more).  You may be thinking to yourself, “Well if you have a beef with the wedgie, surely you don’t like the thong.”  I am here to say; no I think thongs are great.  You see if one has a wedgie while wearing non-thong underwear, then one has a wad of cloth lodged between the cheeks instead of a thin strap of cloth like that of the thong.

Ok back on track…One’s panties should stay put, cover the whole butt, and not dig into the flesh.  If they wonder in the crevice you either need a bigger size or you undies are stretched out.  If you are wearing a Thong, Cheekies, or a G-string, they should not dig into your sides, rather they should rest on the hips and they should feel non-existent. There are other kinds of panties, but they are not as common and are a whole topic by themselves.  So let us move onto the shaper.

Shapers have been worn for hundreds of years.  We know them as corsets, bustles, pads, girdles, and cinchers.  A shapers main function is to reshape the targeted area of interest.  Today shapers are worn more for reduction and smoothing as most woman want to hid as many rolls and dimples as possible.  Modern shapers come in many styles but the key to the shaper is that is should stay put.  It should not roll or fall down and it should definitely smooth out your frame. 

I know that I have only touched the subject and I believe that there is tons more to say but I feel I have said a ton already.  Oh!... and some of you may be scratching your head by now, because as you recall, I did say there were five categories of underwear and the fifth is to simply say…to Hell with it all, free lip it and go commando.  So what is this necessary response, I say respond to wearing the right underwear that will turn a forgettable outfit into a fierce one.  Your undies are your foundation and if the foundation is cracked, it indicates a serious problem.

Now that the fruits of Kwanza have been turned into salad it is time for me to step down from the soap box.  This is Kisha inviting you…no daring you to respond necessarily.  Hey while you are at it, ask me a question about this subject…or any subject for that matter amyecho@amyecho.com